That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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