okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
