Define "chronic" masturbator.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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