This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Randomize
