Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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