She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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