You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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