Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
