I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
