I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I don't deserve a penis
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
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