Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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