Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
