Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.