I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Randomize
