You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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