My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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