when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Randomize
