Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
