She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
