census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
that may or may not have been my penis.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
