Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
