I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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