Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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