His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
