i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
