he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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