This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
