Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
