My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
