Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Randomize
