Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
