I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Randomize
