If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
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I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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