I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
