I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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