You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
