my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
