just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
