How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Randomize
