are you so shy because you have an std?
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Randomize
