so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
You may now shotgun with the bride
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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