Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
our cab driver is having phone sex.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
