I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
