Only a mothe r could love this liver
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
