Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
if only i could text you this smell
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Randomize
