Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
