I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
