Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
My nipple is on Facebook.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
