i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
