Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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