I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
