No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
