is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
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