Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
