That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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